walk with me

Dear Mom

Not a day goes by that I don't remember some experience we shared.
Not a day passes without this grief showing it's head.
I want to believe that you are living on some other plane of existence with absolute joy and freedom. I have no proof, none of us could ever know without actually joining you there. I'd love to be able to, but that is something I can't force.

I asked you to come to me in my dreams, to tell me what it's like on the other side. You haven't told me yet. I know I asked you to please not show up as a ghost because I thought it would freak me out. However, I've changed my mind. I want to see you, you are welcome to scare me or startle me with your presence any time. You could wake me up out of a sound sleep if you like. You are totally welcome. Mi casa es su casa, Mom.

Your house is empty without you, but we went there this weekend. Silas, Julie and I were there. Your cats are safe, I know you know, you surely are looking out for them. Pheobe is very happy living with Jules.
Debendorf showed up, just like he used to every Sunday after church. He stayed for brunch. It was delicious, you would have loved it. I made mochi and fruit salad. Silas made some really great home fries and Julie made frittatas. We drank coffee and juice. The Manleys showed up in the middle of it, all four of them. We all miss you so much. Being with each other helps a little, but your absence is so large - there is a very large empty place where you once sat.

We don't really know what we are going to do with your house. I know I said it's empty without you, but at the same time it's full of your spirit. Every object in that house is imbued with your energy. It still smells like you, Mom. The sun shines in the windows at exactly the right angle to set off all the beautiful things you left behind.

I want to believe you are flying around like some crazy airplaneless pilot. Do you have a carpet you sit upon as you whizz here and there? Do you sip tea with the wind in your gorgeous hair? What I would give to have one minute with you, to feel your hand on mine again. That last night we spent in your studio together remains with me as if it were yesterday. I am so thankful for that night.

I am so grateful to you, Mom. I am so sorry that you had to leave us so young.
I feel lost without you.